Power

The lecture in class about power in the relationship i found very interesing. I think knowing about this is beneficial because then you would be able to tell how a person power over you. This would also be the same if you had power over someone. If someone did have power over you you would be able to understand how they are doing this. The movie clip we watched in class I think showed different power struggles perfectly. I have seen many situations were one person has power over another by reward and punishment. Like if someone didn't do what the person wanted then they wouldn't hang out with them as much.

Intervention - for when decision patterns are rough!

I thought the end of our discussion in class on Tuesday was especially relevant since we talked about ways to intervene in undesirable decision patterns. The suggestions to soften the start-up, allow apologies, sooth self and each other, and to compromise are all important in the family decision process. This is related to professional development in that we can always benefit from realizing that process outweighs content. I will use these techniques in my own decision processes and I will bear in mind that when confronting a decision, timing is crucial!

Can you feel the POW-AH!??!!!

It's Power Hour!!!!!!! Ah, kidding. I don't even know what that means in terms of this blog. ANNNYYYWAYS, I was thinking of power and decisions in a most recent event in my life. Go figure?! I don't think that you necessarily have to be married or in a serious relationship for these to two things to apply to you. For instance, I am getting an apartment next semester. Go me. But, I REALLY want a dog with that apartment. That would be awesome. We would go on grand adventures. However, I figured since my parents are going to be helping with the payments of my APT I needed to okay with them this whole "dog" situation. Neither one of my parents make the decisions more than the other, they are egalitarian. To the max. I see no decision making patterns...ever. It's always a neat surprise. When I approach a situation like this, (I actually gave this example in class) I like to talk about the prospect of my "decision" before actually droppin' the bomb on somebody. Works better. So, I had been poking at the idea of a dog for a while, and during spring break while I was home, I threw the idea on the table. My loving mother immediately said, "NO." and my dad followed suit. My mom had clearly utilized some legit legitimate influence (see what I did there?). Basically, my mom had sent the message-- RESPECT MY AUTHORITAYY! 

End of story? NOPE! Well, you must know that I have the persuasive skills of the captain of a S.W.A.T team, and I changed both my parents minds. I am great. And humble. And I had left the decision in the their hands... so then they became experts of influence. And they finally saw my way, THE BETTER WAY (kidding, I am not that terrible). So guess who is gettin' a dog next semester?

Yeahhhhh that would be ME.

Name suggestions?

Power

I thought what we discussed about relationship power was interesting because it helped my better understand the dynamics of my parents relationships. It is funny to look back and see how they parented us using this. It is also very interesting that how power can affect a family and how people use certain tactics and all kinds of situations. The example that was showed on the video was easy for me to understand because you could actually see and analyze by what we just learned. I think this is beneficial for everyone in our class because we will have better relationships for it. Also that there are better ways to use the six strategies.

PoWeR

I really liked our dicussion on power and decision making on Tuesday! It was really helpful to look at all the different ways power is distrubuted when making decision in a family setting. I can see how my family uses the different "tactics" in different situations. And it is important to realize that different strategies work better for other people and families. There is effective ways to use each of the six, and using one over the other doesn't make you a better or worse person. Very interesting class!

Reward Influence.

I thought it was interesting in class when we talked about the different types of influences in marriage. The one that stood out most to me was the reward influence. I see this a lot in my family. Majority of the time, I see it in the way my parents influence my brother and I, but it has some influence in their marriage as well. My mom always tells me to do something, and then she'll either tell me she's going to take something away from me or give me something for a job well done; most times they reward us. However, I also see it play out in my parent's marriage. My mom often tells my dad that he has to do things otherwise she won't do something else that needs to be done, or she'll say that she will do this if he does that and so on. My parents are two pretty happy and content people, so I guess that type of influence is working out pretty well for them.

Decisions and Power

During the last class we had, we discussed the different influences that a couple has when it comes to making decisions. We also talked about the principle of least interest. When I left class, I was wondering how both the principle of least interest and the different influences (in particular, the legitimate influence) would affect a couple and what it would look like. I began thinking about abusive relationships. In these relationships, the abuser is usually the one with the least interest. They may say things like "If you don't do that, I will leave you," or "If you tell anyone, I will end this relationship." The abusee in some cases may believe that there is a chance to change their partner, and invests much more interest than the other. The abuser may also be the primary decision maker. Not because they are expert in a certain area or because they care for their partner, but because they have the ultimate authority in the relationship.
Watching for couples and families who display legitimate influence more than the other kinds of influence is something that I feel is important in my future career. I know that not all couples where one person holds the authority are abusive, but it is certainly something to pay close attention to. Also, being aware of the interest invested into the relationship. If one partner really doesn't care if the relationship ends, and the other does everything possible to keep it going, then there may be something to observe closer with their interactions with each other. It may be a relationship for convenience for one person in the relationship, or it could end up being an abusive relationship for one person in another relationship. It is something that I am going to have to watch closely.

The Desicions Made

In the last lecture we were talking about how people start and work though conflicts. I have enjoyed thoughout this class all the terms and theories we learn about everyday experiences we all have. Its fun to know and call out situations and each of the terms and theories associated with them. This class has had a very constructive effect on me and Im sure on everyone else to. I believe that it will be very helpful in the future to understand and seperate conflicts I may be having with a significat other or even just a peer. So thank you Dr. Hollist for all the knowledge and understanding you have given.

Power, Decision making, and Pre-marital inventories

Over break, I took time to talk to both of my parent's about the premarital inventory they did (with the guidance of their Catholic Priest) as well as power and decision making. At first, they jokingly said that they "Ace-d" the inventory, but then became more serious as they talked about how they grew up in the same town knowing the same groups of people, so they really went into the relationship having similar backgrounds. What stands out about this, and a lot of what the premarital inventories seem to do, is that the whole idea of "opposites attract" probably shouldn't be interpreted to mean that "opposites attract and form long lasting relationships." When two people have similar backgrounds, they probably have beliefs that will help put them on the same page, which is important when working through the problems that come up in marriage. Also, it seems that we could probably say that "opposites attract, but don't stay opposite forever." I say this because as a couple learns more about one another, they should work to become increasingly on the same page.

Another interesting topic that came up when talking with my parents was the power and types of influence that come up in decision making. My dad always jokes about my mom having more power by saying, "I make all the BIG decisions. There hasn't been a BIG decision yet." The humor in this joke stems from the fact that all decisions are made after discussions, and different types of influence have an effect on the final outcome. Also, decisions aren't always made in an easy/quick/yes or no way. When different types of influence come into play, there are different ideas that each partner needs to think about before jumping ahead to a final choice.

Decisions in Marriage

Tuesdays lecture on decisions in marriage really got me thinking about my parents. Growing up, whenever one of my siblings or I had a question, no matter what it was we never went directly through my father. We always asked our mother and she’d always tell us we’d get a decision after she thought it over. What she really meant to say was, she had to go ask our father. For some reason everything always went through my father, but never directly. It was normal for us kids to go through my mother, but we always knew she would ask my dad. I don’t know if whether my dad felt uncomfortable with setting rules with us or not. I believe it was because my mother was always home with the kids considering she was a stay at home mother. I think my father thought it was best that she told us all the rules in the house. My father was always working, so in the time he was home he wanted to be “nice guy.”
On another note, decisions in marriage also in a way relates to decisions in relationships. In my long term relationship, it was never said out loud who holds the most power, but I think at this point in time we share power equally. We both use all six sources of influence on a daily basis. Although I believe I have a tendency to use referent influence more often. Sometimes it is a power struggle, because I here my fiancé and me pointing our each others faults. Most times however we work together so as not to take personal stabs at each other.

Principle of Least Interest

In class on Tuesday we went over the Principle of least interest. It says that the person who is the least interested in the relationship has the most power in that relationship. I think that really sucks, but I think it's very true in most relatioships. I think a main reason for this is because the person who is most interested wants to do everything to make the relationship work and want the other person to be happy. I don't think that this situation applies to all relationships however. My boyfriend and I are very equal in our power. We have certain issues that we each take authority over. We trust eachother to make the right decisions for the both of us. I think trust plays a huge part in the power struggle. This will be good to know in the future working with families because if I can help find out why there is a huge struggle for power then we can work on fixing it towards a more equal relationship.

principle of least interest

On Tuesday we talked briefly about the principle of least interest and how it was a very important component of influence. A few weeks ago my boyfriend and I were having problems and I was talking to my roommate about it and she mentioned the principle and asked if I had heard of it because that sounded like it fit part of my problem. I was the one who was the least emotionally invested in the relationship so I had the most power. I could influence my boyfriend to do whatever I wanted and part of that is his personality but I think also part of it was because he was afraid to lose me. I was unconscious of this power holding for a long time and I don't remember ever using it in a malicious way. Looking back, I think this seems to be the trend for my past few relationships and maybe part of the reason I ended them. I think it's important for people to realize if one person is more powerful and why that person seems to have more influence over the other so if there is a problem or imbalance, you can efficiently resolve it.

Communication

As a terrible communicator myself, I find this topic very interesting. I believe that communication is good. Positive communication is wonderful. But I also think that communication is difficult. Communication starts out with people getting to know each other but that means opening doors to yourself. If people are not effectively able to share their personal thoughts and feelings with each other easily, then it obviously makes a relationship hard or completely impossible and rather unhealthy. It is pretty much impossible to have any relationship without effective communication.

Gender Differences in Communication

Communication is obviously a very important factor for relationships. I had to laugh to myself when we talked about the tendency differences between men and women, because it has been my experience that any time I go to my dad with a problem he tells me all these things that I need to do to fix it, whereas my mom would sooner relate to the situation and express empathy. That's why whenever I just need to vent about something I'd rather bring it to my mom because my dad almost just makes me mad acting like there is an easy solution to every problem. The communication that goes on between myself and either one of them is always effective so that's the important part. This concept of communication differences between genders has impacted me to think about how the conversation is likely to play out so then I know how to partake in an effective manner.

Tea Parties v. MONSTER TRUCKS!

Oohhhkay. So on Tuesday, we talked about COMMUNICATION. Communication is key to intimacy, family interaction, it is the way humans create and share meaning. Communication is indeed an integral role in any relationship. And as this often happens whenever we talk about gender differences, I had to roll my eyes again. People place FAR too much emphasis on the DIFFERENCES, and fail to see the big picture; which is just a solid communicative relationship. Wah, men only talk about football. Wahh, girls only talk about shopping. WHO CARES. And sure, while women may be more "affiliative" and men may be more "competitive", what is important is that positive and open communication is taking place. Maybe if everyone wasn't always saying, "LISTEN, LISTEN, LISTEN!" and actually attempted to "listen", and communicate well, this stereotyping wouldn't happen. These stereotypes, to me, are just stupid scapegoats and topics for crappy comedians. Stop complaining that your BF unit spends too much time with his friends and not enough with you. No one cares if you think your gal pal is whiny or complains and nags. Don't like it? Either talk about it together, or GET OVER IT.  That is goofy, you silly goose. So get over the stereotypes, and just work on general communication. Then everyone is happy!! Hooray!

It's not what you say, but HOW you say it

Communication was the main focus of the our class discussion on Tuesday. Someone brought up the fact that it's not what you say, but how you say it. I heard this so much growing up, and think it is a valuable lesson. A situation can go from bad to worse when someone says something in a rude way. It's also important to note that people interpret things differently. Just because you say something one way, doesn't mean they understood you. And that's not their fault or your fault. You both have things to work on. When working with individuals it is important to point this out!!

Breaking down the (stone)wall

For the past couple weeks in class, we have been focusing on function and process. Recently, I have noticed that my fiance and I have a pretty predictable process when we argue. I am the one to usually initiate the argument, and I tell him what is bothering me. It always seems that he thinks he is right, and will repeat his views until he is blue in the face. I try to acknowledge his feelings on the subject, but he never tries to see things from my point of view. This is when I usually stonewall the argument.
Last night, we had an argument about how one of the kids was disciplined. This seems to be a conflict that we come back to on a regular basis. This time, I decided to work through the argument instead of going to my usual place of stonewalling. I again acknowledged his feelings and views, and I did my best to convey mine. When he kept going on about how he felt about the situation, I listened patiently until he paused. Then I suggested solutions to the problem (take this toy away from him instead; let's tell him why we are upset with him, then tell him the consequence...). I think that this really helped, because we actually agreed on something. So now, when a situation like this comes up again, we will know how to deal with it effectively.
I'm not sure exactly what I want to do when I finish school, but I know that whatever job I have, communication is important. Whether it be me communicating to a family, or explaining to a teenager how to communicate to his/her parents, it will be an important part of my professional career. Many people have a hard time communicating with others, and it is important to break the process so the issues can be dealt with.

Communication

What we talked about in class on Tuesday was communication and how important it is in a relationship. I thought was so interesting to me because it made me realize it may not be what you say but how you act. That your significant other may know what is wrong with you even though you do not say anything. I think this why a lot of people have trouble in relationships is because they can not communicate how they feel and what is wrong with them. I think this is one of the key components in having a good relationship because if you do not get your feelings across you will keep them bottled up and possibly blow up on each other and that might be the end of the relationship.

Nonverbal Communication

I thought the lecture Tuesday about communication was really interesting. I especially liked the conversation on nonverbal communication. Dr. Hollist explained that one of the basic principles of communication it that the message sent is NOT always the message that is received. I thought this was spot on. I can’t even count how many times I’ve used an action to communicate with someone and they interpret it the completely wrong way, usually in a way I didn’t mean it, and I don’t find out until I talk to them next day or if I hear about it from a friend that they were upset about our interaction. This also makes me wonder if I interpret actions of others correctly, which is pretty interesting to think about. I also think that the nonverbal communication between males and females is incredibly complicated and confusing. I always think boys mean something else, then come to find out I was completely wrong!

Communication

I always knew that communication was an important part of relationships but Tuesday's discussion opened my eyes a little more. I recently broke up with my boyfriend of over a year and I was thinking more about it and realized that whenever I tried to explain to him what was wrong, he never quite got it. In class, we talked about men and women communicating differently and I wonder now if I would have tried to explain things better and if he really would have listened, if we would we still be together. He understood the nonverbal communication very clearly but when we tried to talk about things, it never seemed to work out well. Also, I'm sure many couples have gone through situations like the one we watched in Everybody Loves Raymond. Its not always what you say, but how you say it that matters. I think it's important as a professional to recognize all the components of communication and the gender differences that occur to effectively help couples solve communication problems.

Marital Functioning

On thursday we talked about marital functioning. We watching a funny commercial titled, "How to have a good marriage." In it the girl asked the mother how her and her father made their marriage work. The mother said that she did the little things that gave him time to be with his friends like mowing and changing the oil. Then she said something about giving the gift of Budwiser. I thought that was really funny because it was joking about how that would not be a good marriage at all, but it is how men would like marriage to be. We discussed the different categories of couples and how they fight. We watched a little video and in it we say that couples can sometimes be two different types of people. One can love to fight all the time and love the drama. The other can avoid fighting all the time and just be quiet to end the argument. This is so true in life and it's really good to understand that you can have a successful marriage even if you and your spouse aren't the same types of people. This is good information to know in the future when working with families who are fighting and never seem to solve anything because they dont communicate properly.

The RELATE test

After the lecture on Tuesday I really wanted to try out the RELATE test online. I got my boyfriend to agree, even though I'm not sure he really wanted to. He did it in Omaha (where he goes to school) and I did it in Lincoln (where I go to school). The test asked many questions about family, kindness, communication, and arguing, etc. The questions asked weren't difficult and the test lasted about 50 min. We got our results soon after, and they weren't exactly super happy. There was somethings wew didn't match up on, and I was surprised by the way he answered a few questions. We talked the results over for a long time. Although the results weren't perfect, really what relationship is? I think this was a positive experience to take the test. I also think it brought up many questions within our relationship that we haven't thought about before. Overall I enjoyed this and came out pretty good. I think doing this is a personal benefit and can help me relize that my boyfriend and I don't always see eye to eye on some issues and that we come from a different background. I will be telling my friends about this and giving them the name of the website. Also I think this will help me relate to family science even more :)

Premarital Inventories

I think premarital inventories are a very important thing to consider. My brother is engaged to be married in August and he and his fiance are going through classes at our Catholic Church. I was talking to them about the types of things they have to do and they informed me that they took the FOCCUS. They said they were glad that the church enforces the use of this because it got them talking about things they had overlooked until that point. They were happy to find that they could meet on common ground on any issues that came up. When I start preparing for marriage, I know I will be able to benefit from premarital inventory the same as they have; because let's face it, touchy subjects are easily avoided in daily relationship interactions but taking the FOCCUS (or something of the like) forces us to confront those issues before getting in over our head.

The Premairtal Checklist

Tuesdays lecture was very interesting to me as I am sure it was to many others as well. I am currently in a relationship right now and it is going very well and when Dr. Hollist was talking about the premarital tests, I was kind of going through the checklist in my head as well within my relationship. We are no where near getting married but I was still very curious as to what attributes we already had. I was pleasantly surprised to when many of the listings we have already spoken about just out of curiosity. I believe my parents did this as well because they got married in the Catholic church and this church is quite strict about the marriage process. They even said that my mother had to go to her exhusband and ask him for permission to get married to my father even though they had already had a divorce several years earlier. If they had this requirement for the marriage process I would be very suprised if they did not require a premarital checklist test.

Engagement

Tuesdays class discussion was very interesting to me. When Dr. Hollist went over the subject of engagement, I when over in my mind what some of my family members are in the process of. A few of my family members are engaged as of right now, but one cousin in particular comes to mind. My cousin has been officially engaged to a man for the last year or so. Within this past year she has not only planned the wedding, but she has also introduced her fiance to her parents, uncles aunts, etc. She has confined in me about the financial obligations that they now both share. She tells me it is an experience she is learning to deal with. I think it would be extreemly difficult to handle because all I have known are the responsibilities for myself and not anyone else. I guess there is a give and take factor, because you are now sharing a life with another person. Its worth it in the end if you choose to be committed by marriage.
Another subject that caught my attention was premarital inventories. I thought that Focuss and Relate were two good things to try out before entering marriage. If they evoke thoughts and emotions that have not been shared by a couple its good to get them out before its too late. I believe marriage is a one time deal and that it is a life time committment. These "tests" can help ensure that you are choosing the right person to be with for the rest of your life.

The class discussions that we have had about dating and mate selection couldn't have come at a better time. Last week, my mother called me and wanted to know when my boyfriend was born and how to spell his last name. Without asking her why she needed to know this, I told her. She called back about half an hour later and told me that my boyfriend and I need to split up. Confused, I asked her why. She said that she just read our numbers, and we aren't compatible. After we discussed dating and mate selection, I called her back. I told her that numbers and zodiac signs and tarot can't determine who you fall in love with, and that there may not be just one ideal mate for everyone. I told her that we form relationships with people that we have similarities with, share a proximity with, and people that have similar social status as us. She disagreed with me for quite a while on the subject (and I'm pretty sure she turned blue in the face!). I also went on to explain that not everyone has the same personality, and to keep the relationship strong, it takes a lot of time and effort to build it and keep it functioning in a healthy way.
I think that after taking this class and classes similar to this one, I am more aware of what brings people in relationships together. I'm sure that in my career, I will come across someone that poses an ultimate question: "Why haven't I found Mr. Right?" I think I would answer this as there may not be a "perfect" mate for everyone. And most relationships do not mirror those seen on TV, such as Pretty Woman. We all need to search deep within ourselves to find what characteristics are important to us.

Relationship/Marriage Test

I am in a relationship right how and i'm very comfortable with it. I think we pretty much agree on many things, at least the important issues. One thing that interested me in class though is the test you can take. I would love for something to give us advice on what to talk about. My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year and a half, which I know isn't a super long time, but I feel as though I know everything about him and I think this test would make us think about things we've never thought about before. I'm not interested in getting married yet or anything, but I feel as if it is a good way to bring aome important subjects up.
I think this test could be very useful for many individuals thinking about marrying, or maybe in a serious relationship. This is a great way to become closer to one abother and could really benefit a relationship. Knowing this information really could help not only my relationship but also I'm sure I'll tell many of my friends about it and they will want to try it out also.

Facebook stalking does NOT constitute as a date.

Oh fun. Mate selection! One thing that I didn't necessarily favor in last our last discussion was actually just the title. "Games"? Really? I think people would like to consider what they do as "games" in order to soften the perhaps larger magnitude of what I would call mate selection tactics. Err...The Times and Trials of Dating...maybe? ANYWAYS. The Destructive "Games" are what interests me most, you could say, probably because of their more obvious abundance (to me). Some are a bit more serious or actually destructive, but being in college, oh my do you see some funny destructive game blunders. I wanted to channel Facebook, because of the vital role it can play for many in social roles. Within these social roles, dating falls in there. And although it is such a simple idea for most, some people intentions within Facebook can be unnecessary and complex. In a relationship with blah, blah, blah. IT'S COMPLICATED. Mary Smith is engaged to Barbara Black. TEE-HEE it's funny 'cause they're friends! You can become familiar with someone extremely easily using a social tool like Facebook, unless they're crafty and have made their profile private! You can browse through 419 photos the hot dude that's in your English class, OMG he likes Kanye West TOO?! IT IS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE! I think that Facebook, for some, has turned into probably one of the worst and easily avoidable destructible "game tactics". People attempt to find compatibility without actually talking/meeting/knowing the person they're trying to attract. Perhaps they are trying to attempt to protect themselves from embarrassment when they first meet them, or trying to test their girlfriend/boyfriend and try to--DUH DUH DUH-- take the leap and go from single to IN A RELATIONSHIP. Regardless, these internet hubs and sites for social use and dating can be really fun, and a great way to re-connect/meet friends. But should NOT be someone's main tool to begin the Times and Trials of Dating with some potential mate.

OH PS. Best quote from class for like two weeks:

Prof.- I never really understood that, why do you need a "broom"?

Student- To sweep her off her feet!

Prof.- Or she's a witch.

The "Game"

I've never really put much thought into the games people play with each other until Tuesday's class. After thinking about it, I realized I have been playing games with this guy I like so I could get to know him better. I think we've been playing hard to get and also there is some mystery there. It's just like a fun, flirty way to get to know the person you like. I realize that if it did get serious and we did get more into it, that we would have to draw the line so the games wouldn't become destructive but still make sure to keep things exciting. I think its important for people to realize when to draw the line and actually open up about things to create a healthy relationship. I really like the movie Hitch but I never really analyzed it before and his assumptions may not be completely correct. I really think games people play among each other are a fun way to get to know others but you have to know when to tone it down.

Romantic Love

I thought it was really interesting in the chapter six when they talked about the meaning of love and how each person has their own definition of love and what it mean when they say it to someone. I also thought it was interesting when they were talking about the concept of romantic love. I always thought that that was a huge part of marriage, and ultimately being together forever, when in actuality it is very minor. It includes the passion, sexual desire, strong emotion, and intensity of feeling. I mean, it is a part of what leads up to marriage but it cannot be the only love involved in a marriage or engagement.

Yesterday's discussion was very interesting to me. My boyfriend and I are what I would consider in a very serious relationship. (Today is actually our anniversary!) We have been dating since high school. I feel that we are very open about what we want out of the relationship. That is why the idea of premarital inventories is interesting to me. I think they are a practical idea. Why wait until you're married to find our you and your spouse disagree on something? And instead of freaking out about it ... having someone there to walk you through the steps of resolution. I would love to take one of them, even now, to see that my boyfriend and I are on the right track. As someone who will one day be working with families, I think it would be wise to recommend couples take the extra time and complete premarital counseling, even in just the tiniest amount.

Mate Selection

Today we talked about mate selection. It was funny to me because at the beginning of class he asked what the first thing that came to our mind when we thought about mate selection and the first thing that popped into my mind was animals. However, I think the things we covered in class were very helpful. We talked about the games that people play with eachother. We talked about how they are healthy or unhealthy. It was good to talk about those games because it makes you think about what you yourself do in a relationship. It's also helpful to distinguish which ones are good to do and which are bad. This will help in the future talking with families. We also talked about premarital inventories. I think it's such a good idea for couples to do. I think I will for sure do it with my fiance when I get engaged. I think it's smart to do premarital counceling also. These were very helpful topics to discuss in class.